In the land beyond.

I'm finally here, we're finally apart.
Things aren't getting any easier for me.
The fact that things are changing and you are changing makes me feel more lost and depressed as ever.
I do, I just feel sad.
I feel helpless and under-appreciated.
I feel that I'm no longer the center of your world, be it in reality or in cyber space.
I feel like this go-to person when you want to complain about something, vent out about something.
I don't know what I should or could do anymore to protect myself from feeling this insecure and hurt.
The fact remains that I am unhappy about us and that I desperately need to keep focus on my work and finding a second job.
Perhaps if I didn't come here I wouldn't be feeling all these emotions and all these pressures from you and daily life.
All I could do is to keep my chin up, motivate myself, be nice to everyone and make new friends. Those stuff keep me distracted from you.
Besides that, I just hope that time passes faster until I get to come home... I get to see my baby Bambs... I get to know, plan and set out for my next destination life has to offer.
I hope if one day you ever actually remember or notice this blog and its updates, just try to understand that I did not mean to bombard it with negative posts, I just need an outlet and a somewhere I could try to balance all these confusion and mixed feelings. How I wished that good memories flooded this blog than bad. But then again, we're all just greedy.

Christmas.

Today is Christmas. Finally, after all the chaos from university assignments to classes and all that jazz, Christmas is finally here.

But how come it isn't as jolly this year? ):
You ruined it.
I thought about all the things you said to me, but i still feel upset. : /
Then you added more oil to the fire when you continuously confronted me after.

Guess what? I am stillll toooo tired to reply you.
I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.
I don't know why i don't feel like fighting anymore.
I have no energy left to argue.

You are busy, i can be busy too.
I will fully utilize my time to occupy myself productively.
Time passes without me feeling guilty, and i won't have to feel sour because of you anymore, because of how you want things to be.

I'm just going to let it be...
Just let it be.

Merry Christmas.

Taking advantage.

Especially since there isn't anyone who comes and reads my blog anymore, oddly enough, I somehow feel a sense of relief.That this place is where my heart can be spilled out again, where there is nobody to judge me to say I'm wrong or right. My solitude, now and forever.

Straight to the point I shall start.
I am lost, again. I don't know what i'm going through now and what I will go through in nearly another year's time is what I want to face.

What I don't understand is, why is it always like this?
Everything starts out really smooth, then in the midst of it becomes strong and stabilizes. Before I know it, a year passes and I find myself stuck in a situation where things aren't as blissful as it used to be.

Is it because we both know the end is coming? Is that why he is trying less hard? And me feeling and seeing that, demotivates me and drains me out too? I really don't know...

I tell myself, this phase will pass. The only reason it happened is because we were both busy with academics, we have been through alot of stress, we are both tired.That is the cause of all the minor negligence, the lack of sensitivity, patience and much needed care.

I worry. I'm afraid. But I don't know if I should be. For once, I begin to really question his love. To really question my role. To really question the reason for this relationship.

Why am I here? Why was I his choice? Is our love real? Does he just temporarily need me? Is that why he's still clinging on to us? If he really does love me, then why do I feel upset now because he doesn't seem to care about me like how he used to?

Is this his withdrawal stage? Should I see it coming? Realistic, yes, we all should be about our future. But does that mean we should start preparing ourselves for the end? I am confused, upset, intrepid, lost.

God help me... Help me feel with my heart, not see with my eyes. Let me cry with my eyes, and only for a while, but not let my heart bleed. I want to be stronger this time, I don't want my soul to shatter again.I don't want to lose sight of myself again.

God give me strength.God give me faith. Please help me to realize what I have done, what I am really going through, and what I should be aware of. Help me make good choices. Let me survive this, shoo away all the confusion, disappointment,pain I'm having now... Amen.   


 

Yet Another Crossroad

After months of hiatus, I am back, and not without a reason. 

Recently lots of stuff have been on my mind. I find no solace anywhere but to express them here in words. 

I've began my final year for nearly a month now and honestly, I'm not at all ecstatic or enthusiastic about classes or anything academically related. I see this chapter of my life as nearly redundant, besides the fact that the only thing I look forward to is my boyfriend and my two housemates. Besides them, there is not much reason left for me to persist till my graduation.

I know it all sounds so pathetic, but I am not one without a PLAN. I just can't wait to get out of here and move on to my passion!! At least with that, I can begin to dream more practically again... As I know I would be working towards it. 

Anyway, there are a few things that has been troubling me this morning that I need to get off my chest. : \

I have just reached a crossroad in my life where I feel that many MANY relationships are not worth sustaining. Honestly, is it because of all the disappointment I have gotten from my circle of peers, or is it just me who is oversensitive and is easily annoyed by their little actions and behaviors? These days, I just brush people off!! Lols!! Simply because I am arrogant and I don't feel the need to please or tolerate anyone anymore. Aiksss. X) 

I have also reached a new hypothesis. And that is, to not believe in a lasting female best friend relationship. Seriously, there isn't much faith I have left in my own gender. I truly feel foolish to have ever thought and believed this. Girls just gradually move away from one another. They have a really weak sense of loyalty. And they are fucking calculative and fussy. Sighh... Somehow sometimes I can't help but wish I was a boy. 

I was browsing through some of my friend's profiles today and I saw that my ex best friend Su Zanne liked my first best friend Jie Hwee's couple picture with her boyfriend. I can say I am really happy for Jia Hwee but what made me feel bitter was that Su Zanne was still in ok terms with Jia Hwee, who was a total nobody to her. 

I admit I feel bitter because Su Zanne is a total bitch. A bitch who was never true to her friendship, never true to herself and was never true to me and her own words. All the years of being there for her unconditionally just screwed over her sense of appreciation. Instead of being grateful, she decided it was better to go with the volatility of her unstable life and her perverted boyfriend. I am not even interested in seeing how that works out for her. 

And what I cannot believe myself is how her actions project the perfect example of what NOT TO BE as a person and it defies all my personal principles!! I guess God knows what should be best for me. I always have faith in his decisions and I should be very grateful of how things have come through for me and her. 

I just hope one day, and may that day be soon, that I will be able to let go of all these disappointment inflicted by her and that my heart will be less cautious and weary of the next potential best friend that comes by. 

For now, I am grateful that I still have a person whom I'm able to spill my heart out to. One who although may be at times annoying and bratty, but at most times lovable and understanding and a great listener and remedy for my heart. I love you baby. And you'll just never know how much. 

 

Cold Silent Night

I am sooo tempted to disable my facebook account.

Every time I see a couple, I feel a little sour.

Every time I see a football post, I feel a little disgusted.

Every time I see pictures posted up about snow, I feel envious.

I wish I was anywhere else but here. : (

I wish I was everywhere with Bambie, but alone on this cold february night.

Am I not grateful enough for the things I have?

Or am I just too disappointed that you haven't texted me at all today?

I know you're prolly out shopping all day today, and might be asleep from the exhaustion,

despite the 4 hour difference that makes your time 8pm there.

Sigh.... Please just let time pass faster for me...

I wanna go swim my heart out and jog my legs off.

I'm on the verge of losing my very last breath.

Worries. : (

Its the 4th day of Chinese New Year, and I'm supposed to still be jolly and lighthearted, but I'm not. : ( My good friend, aka my Dude just told me that the toman has just depreciated SO much that the Ringgit is its THREE TIMES. >,< >,< >,< What the fuck is the government doing?!?!?!

Although I'm not a graduated Business student, but SERIOUSLY, it takes a fool to realise that depreciating the currency will not only increase the cost of living for the domestic country, but it will also reduce the exports and trade because countries aren't going to be convinced about the trade confidence and long term investments. And without these foreign trades, will the country SURVIVE?? No matter how rich in oil you are!! : (

This really worries me. : [ Dude said that he might not even be able to come back for long. Given the triple increase in costs, it really worries me to know if my own baby is able to return to me or not. : [

If he does, I swear to God, we will budget the goh outta ourselves!! There will be saving Saving SAVING from now onwards!! Heck, we're ASIANS!! Aren't we supposed to be pro at this?!?!??!

Please God... I pray that things will subside in Iran... Let the government be mindful of their decisions... Prevent the people from all the burden and suffering of their wrath and greed. Please PLEASE... Bring my baby back safe and sound to me... :''(

Welcoming the Dragon Year, aka My Freedom of 18 Days.

Its pass 3am now, and the invasion of fireworks have just only stopped bombarding the dark night not long ago. I know i'm supposed to be fast asleep in bed as tomorrow will be an early start. But somehow, something feels missing, empty.

But before I start tearing my hair out of my head in frustration of this, I would first like to thank God, the Universe, or any spiritual force out there who is listening, for the wonderful, hommie, down to earth reunion dinner tonight.

There was less food this year due to some arrangement complications, LOLS, but all in all, the Yee Sang was awesome as usual [my most favourite dish of this festival], the sexy gravy drowned roast chicken, the impressively spicy sambal prawns dish etc etc and not forgetting the gorgeous Red Velvet Cheese Cake to end the feast!! : 9

Somehow, I felt that the atmosphere of the family was very warm and pleasant... Its been long since my gradually freezing heart has felt such weather. Perhaps having noisy kids playing child games and soccer jabbering adults and gossip filled maids to pump up life isn't such a bad idea at all. : )

For some families, playing firecrackers is a tradition for the kids. My brothers and cousins enjoy them too. Especially the part where they blow each other's fingers up!! #,# I kiddd. X) But its been years since I've lit a flame or tossed a cracker because of the paranoia of burning my hands and also the chance that I might lose a finger or two in the process. There is a possibility you know. :P

Anyway, I was a kid again tonight. Lighting em up and tossing them to far distances, it felt good to be myself and be accepted amongst family. There was also much fun taking photos of the process. : ]

As all burned out, we slowly moved back into the house, where surprisingly, I managed to strike up a conversation or two with my aunties, those i've never been close to. After a while of chatting and digesting, it was soon time to go home. Saying goodbye to my grandparents, I realised how fortunate that I still have them both. Grandpa who is the lottery monster and king of dimensia XD, and grandma the demure dragon lady who always appears a warrior on the outside, but has a heart of gold on the in that can be as soft as cotton candy too.

All in all, welcoming the dragon year seems to be a promising start. Although i'm mostly anxious about the future, but restless about the present, I really hope that things will work out according to the plan set for me by God. These coming days of freedom might corrode me into decomposition, but please God, make it one that is bearable for me. I'm deprived of watching Gargoyles you see!! : P

Happy Dragon New Year!! : ]