I came to realise that mastering the art of having a façade was very powerful. It really taught me how to read people, how to distinguish between what was real and what was not. This became even easier when I was given a position of influence. Suddenly, everybody began to polish my then black leather school shoes. The experience was very insightful, VERY. It was like living amongst an aristocratic society where everybody sees and does things for benefits. True and ugly.
The biggest struggle I had was to find my true self again. Its one thing when you become so good at pretending that you're something; its another thing when you actually realise that in reality you are not. That period of being lost was one of the toughest chapter of my life. Less did I know that finding my bearings was going to be an even more challenging journey.
When I came to university, things seemed optimistic. Excited was an understatement of how I felt then. I was literally leaping when I talked, loud when I walked, and crazy every other time you caught me. My energy was bursting!! Friends even asked me how I muster all that energy from my petite body. Looking at it now, it surprises me too. @,@
As time passed and I reached the second year of my university life, things have changed drastically. Year by year, my personality has become more mellow. Don't get me wrong, I can still be very crazy!! The only difference is, I have become selective of when I choose to be. : P
Everyday I walk to class alone. I sit beside different people in every class. And most of the time, I have my meals alone too. The only time that calls for social interaction is when I meet new people who ask me questions, or borrows something from me. Suddenly, I realised that I have become a very sluggish socialiser.
Would this trait be called being anti-social?? I fear it could be.
But funny enough, having drowned in such a cycle daily, a relatively new friend asked me this today,
"How do you stay so cheerful and bubbly everyday??"
This question kept ringing in my head all day. Indeed, I used to be and sometimes am a very cheerful person. But how come I have chosen not to show it as openly as before?? Have I become a lone-ranger?? Or am I too proud or too selective of my social calls?? Urgghhh.... I hate myself.
Lighten up will ya!!
