最难受的新年

I've never felt this insulted or disrespected in my life before.

Who would've thought such an egoistic bitch such as myself would see today?!

Never in my life have I ever met anyone so spoilt and unreasonable before.

I guess there's just a first for everything!!

Why not begin with the new years itself right?! Ha!

Throughout my 20 years as a living person with feelings,

I have never experienced such a deep explosion of anger to ANYONE before in my life except for my own family.

All the crap from friends I have faced in the past could never amount to this extent of me getting SO PISSED.

I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Who the HELL do you think you are?!

You can throw tantrums whenever you like?!

Toss things and potentially BREAK something in my car?!

Cause SO MANY UNNECESSARY DELAYS and INCONVENIENCE,

Not only in terms of time but also petrol?!

And the worse part of it all is,

I DIDN'T EVEN FREAKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON WHEN IT HAPPENED. =,=

Didn't even have the decency to inform anyone.

Behave as if every inconvenience caused by you is one that is deserved by others?!

And the irony of it all is that, I'M THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING PERIOD!!

Sometimes my tolerance level just drops till NIL.

Its not that I can't understand or is unable to accept that yesss, in terms of language, I really don't understand most of the time and is BLUR.

But DON'T EVER take me as a fool!!

I know when I'm being taken advantage of and I know exactly WHEN I deserve an apology.

Amidst all this "drama", what I seriously came to realise is this :

I DESPISE the fact that everything has to be so PRETENTIOUS in this culture.

I despise that everything has to be TOLERATED, eventhough the behaviour THEN is UNACCEPTABLE.

I hate the fact that in this culture, no one can truly express their true feelings and emotions but instead, must accept whatever it is that happens then only to deal with it LATER.

Honestly, I am NOT from this culture and so naturally, I do not follow such practices.

In future, if EVER anything like this happens again, I swear to God, I really don't care if you're from a rich family or not,

If you or ANYONE ELSE for that matter ever crosses the line of basic etiquette, I will SERIOUSLY give you a piece of MY MIND, THERE AND THEN. Not later. >,<

If you're rich, shouldn't you know better than anyone else how you SHOULD behave?!

I have never EVER witnessed such insolence and mockery!!

Not only did not an apology suffice, but I was EXPECTED to wait in my own car for the person to get sorted!!

FYI, the world does not revolve around you!! Never has anyone made me feel so used and insulted in my life. X(

Lastly, this language barrier really suffocates me.

Its not that I'm unwilling to share with you how I feel,

Its just I'm driven out of desperation and helplessness,

Extremely fed up of constantly being in the unknown,

I sometimes really miss speaking to my "own kind".

I intentionally deprive you from understanding because you've either never experienced it,

or have forgotten what it feels like to be left out and kept in the blur.

I really hope this will help you feel how I feel, but waaay worse.

Because if you'd understand what I'm going through,

We wouldn't even be treating each other like this.

I hope 2012 would somehow defy all this crap that has happened.

I pray with all my heart that it will take a better turn.

PURE DISAPPOINTMENT.

So you finally come to the stage in life where the people who used to be important, seems otherwise.

What do you do next?

Think of all the times you were there for her?

Or of all the times she wasn't?

Seems so contradictory whatever she has said.

Constantly complaining about how unpopular she is.

Or how low self esteem she actually is.

Hrmm... Really gets me wondering if she is what she says she is.

Well, many years may pass and you think you know a person.

Turns out when you truly see, it wasn't as perfect as it seemed to begin with.

I'm no longer in the capacity to fight for anything that doesn't want to be fought for.

No longer want to be in the position to be disappointed.

No longer hopeful for someone who doesn't do what she says or promises.

In short, I guess age gets you tired...

And all you want to do is let what come, COME.

And let what wants to leave, LEAVE.

INDIVIDUALISTIC.

Back in high school, life was horribly lonely. There was such a thing as social idiosyncrasy for me. Where I came from, everything was to a certain extent - make believe. Everybody around me were actively practising the art of acting. And the unfortunate fact is that, you had to be like one of them to survive, even when deep down you're not.

I came to realise that mastering the art of having a façade was very powerful. It really taught me how to read people, how to distinguish between what was real and what was not. This became even easier when I was given a position of influence. Suddenly, everybody began to polish my then black leather school shoes. The experience was very insightful, VERY. It was like living amongst an aristocratic society where everybody sees and does things for benefits. True and ugly.

The biggest struggle I had was to find my true self again. Its one thing when you become so good at pretending that you're something; its another thing when you actually realise that in reality you are not. That period of being lost was one of the toughest chapter of my life. Less did I know that finding my bearings was going to be an even more challenging journey.

When I came to university, things seemed optimistic. Excited was an understatement of how I felt then. I was literally leaping when I talked, loud when I walked, and crazy every other time you caught me. My energy was bursting!! Friends even asked me how I muster all that energy from my petite body. Looking at it now, it surprises me too. @,@

As time passed and I reached the second year of my university life, things have changed drastically. Year by year, my personality has become more mellow. Don't get me wrong, I can still be very crazy!! The only difference is, I have become selective of when I choose to be. : P

Everyday I walk to class alone. I sit beside different people in every class. And most of the time, I have my meals alone too. The only time that calls for social interaction is when I meet new people who ask me questions, or borrows something from me. Suddenly, I realised that I have become a very sluggish socialiser.

Would this trait be called being anti-social?? I fear it could be.

But funny enough, having drowned in such a cycle daily, a relatively new friend asked me this today,

"How do you stay so cheerful and bubbly everyday??"

This question kept ringing in my head all day. Indeed, I used to be and sometimes am a very cheerful person. But how come I have chosen not to show it as openly as before?? Have I become a lone-ranger?? Or am I too proud or too selective of my social calls?? Urgghhh.... I hate myself.

Lighten up will ya!!

EXTINCT!!!

I don't know whats up with this month, but SERIOUSLY!!

THREE whole attacks!! Come on!! Cut me a break!! >,<

I-hate-you-I-Hate-You-I-HATE-YOU!!!!!!

So freaking get the hell away from mehhhh!!!!!!

Its funny how you hate something so much, but you still have this mental urge to know about these shiznits!! Its BUGGING me, LITERALLY!!!! : (

I mean, what are the chances hurhh?? Is this freaking law of fear??

It comes to taunt you when you least expect it to??

THREE TIMES in ONE month?! WTF right?!

I seriously hate to get my hands dirty!!!

It doesn't filth my conscience though!!! XP

The pure satisfaction of glorious victory!!

I feel like such a warrior!!

I remember how i used to scream and run away and come close to tears!! XS

Don't get me wrong, I STILL scream,

but at least i found the balls to whack the shit outta it!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Anyway, i have the most useless, sweet brother. LOLS!! XD

He heard me scream from next door, and he ran over with a drumstick!!

I thought he was gonna be all manly and get rid of the roach!!

But instead, when he saw the creep, he screamed too!!

And he let it get away!!!!!!! That was what pissed me off the most. =,=

After i shooed HIM out, I was on a mission again!!

The creep hid good!! But i finally found it and with 3 heartless smackdowns,

it laid there flat and motionless - FOREVER.

God, i felt my heartbeat in my veins!!

But seeing it dead, i was proud of myself for the courage i mustered,

but grossed out at the sight of that abomination and its aftermath i had to clean!!

YUCK!!

Still, this brings me to the point:

When you're left alone, helpless with no one to rely on,

Theres always a way, ALWAYS, when your will is strong.

I also noticed that I felt braver to face these monsters after every new attack!!

This doesn't change my hate for it though!!

Fuck you and your species forever!!

Unless you have a deathwish, don't mess with this chick!! XP

-RHFL : Roach Hater for LIFE!!!

幸福。

Congrats my dear for finally finding your very own happiness!!

I am so happy for you and pray with all my heart you will remain like this for as long as forever!! ^_^

May the both of you continue to grow with each other as each day passes,

And realise that life is more beautiful and amazing with one another in it!!

Enjoy your journey and cherish each moment!!

Because life is short, and we should appreciate whatever miracle that comes to us along the way!! : ]

I love you dear!! I'm so happy you're happy and that we're happy together!! ;D

All the best and may every single happy moment be engraved in our hearts for long long. : ]

}i{

Bloody Mary.

Squirming. Uneasy. Absolutely queasy.

Intensity. Pain. Its driving me insane!!

Why oh why do we have to endure such agony??

Why oh why do we suffer this physical monstrosity?!

Urghhhhhh!! Sometimes, I just HATE being a girl. : (

Actually mostly, [ LOLS!! ] butttt... >x)

Until you meet someone who can appreciate you even for that,

I guess it isn't so bad after all. : P

I'm glad I have.... ^_^

*I wish you were here to give me one of those superb belly rubs.... Urghhh........*

Odd to Even. ; )

Starting afresh, i'd like to firstly extend a warm welcome to everyone, SHALOM!! ; )

This here is my second blog. I have decided to abandon my previous blog because like every book, a chapter always has an ending, and with the ending of many, that book brings itself to an end too.

And so, this new blog marks the start of a new chapter in a new book for me. Hope all readers - friends or even random drop-in's will enjoy experiencing some of the puzzle pieces of my personal life here. : ]

On another note, i would like to assure all my friends, especially those who were worrying for me that, YES, Shann is back!! : ] Still a Rockstar, still playing her own loud tune in her same crazy way!! ^,^W!! Maybe a lot of you still don't know me that well, so here's an insight for you!! : P I am no average girl. I am an overly sensitive creature and can be extremely thoughtful and warm if i wanted to be. I explode with emotions. Thats why blogging is very important to me. It is an outlet where i express fully my emotions and all the life and turmoil that is whirlwinding in me. So i hope that everyone who visits here can understand and appreciate that this is my own world, and i rule my world.

Besides just a welcoming and introduction about myself, I'd like to also dedicate my first blog post to my baby. Thank you for inspiring me so much that i couldn't help doing this for myself - moving on and finding that courage to love and be loved again. As if I was the sleeping sun, you ignited that familiar light and warmth that brought faith in me again. Thank you for accepting me and appreciating me for who i am inside and out!! Who would've thought something so massively absurd and crazy would happen to us?? I am truly grateful we both made our worlds a plural one for one another.

<3