Taking advantage.

Especially since there isn't anyone who comes and reads my blog anymore, oddly enough, I somehow feel a sense of relief.That this place is where my heart can be spilled out again, where there is nobody to judge me to say I'm wrong or right. My solitude, now and forever.

Straight to the point I shall start.
I am lost, again. I don't know what i'm going through now and what I will go through in nearly another year's time is what I want to face.

What I don't understand is, why is it always like this?
Everything starts out really smooth, then in the midst of it becomes strong and stabilizes. Before I know it, a year passes and I find myself stuck in a situation where things aren't as blissful as it used to be.

Is it because we both know the end is coming? Is that why he is trying less hard? And me feeling and seeing that, demotivates me and drains me out too? I really don't know...

I tell myself, this phase will pass. The only reason it happened is because we were both busy with academics, we have been through alot of stress, we are both tired.That is the cause of all the minor negligence, the lack of sensitivity, patience and much needed care.

I worry. I'm afraid. But I don't know if I should be. For once, I begin to really question his love. To really question my role. To really question the reason for this relationship.

Why am I here? Why was I his choice? Is our love real? Does he just temporarily need me? Is that why he's still clinging on to us? If he really does love me, then why do I feel upset now because he doesn't seem to care about me like how he used to?

Is this his withdrawal stage? Should I see it coming? Realistic, yes, we all should be about our future. But does that mean we should start preparing ourselves for the end? I am confused, upset, intrepid, lost.

God help me... Help me feel with my heart, not see with my eyes. Let me cry with my eyes, and only for a while, but not let my heart bleed. I want to be stronger this time, I don't want my soul to shatter again.I don't want to lose sight of myself again.

God give me strength.God give me faith. Please help me to realize what I have done, what I am really going through, and what I should be aware of. Help me make good choices. Let me survive this, shoo away all the confusion, disappointment,pain I'm having now... Amen.