Cold Silent Night

I am sooo tempted to disable my facebook account.

Every time I see a couple, I feel a little sour.

Every time I see a football post, I feel a little disgusted.

Every time I see pictures posted up about snow, I feel envious.

I wish I was anywhere else but here. : (

I wish I was everywhere with Bambie, but alone on this cold february night.

Am I not grateful enough for the things I have?

Or am I just too disappointed that you haven't texted me at all today?

I know you're prolly out shopping all day today, and might be asleep from the exhaustion,

despite the 4 hour difference that makes your time 8pm there.

Sigh.... Please just let time pass faster for me...

I wanna go swim my heart out and jog my legs off.

I'm on the verge of losing my very last breath.

Worries. : (

Its the 4th day of Chinese New Year, and I'm supposed to still be jolly and lighthearted, but I'm not. : ( My good friend, aka my Dude just told me that the toman has just depreciated SO much that the Ringgit is its THREE TIMES. >,< >,< >,< What the fuck is the government doing?!?!?!

Although I'm not a graduated Business student, but SERIOUSLY, it takes a fool to realise that depreciating the currency will not only increase the cost of living for the domestic country, but it will also reduce the exports and trade because countries aren't going to be convinced about the trade confidence and long term investments. And without these foreign trades, will the country SURVIVE?? No matter how rich in oil you are!! : (

This really worries me. : [ Dude said that he might not even be able to come back for long. Given the triple increase in costs, it really worries me to know if my own baby is able to return to me or not. : [

If he does, I swear to God, we will budget the goh outta ourselves!! There will be saving Saving SAVING from now onwards!! Heck, we're ASIANS!! Aren't we supposed to be pro at this?!?!??!

Please God... I pray that things will subside in Iran... Let the government be mindful of their decisions... Prevent the people from all the burden and suffering of their wrath and greed. Please PLEASE... Bring my baby back safe and sound to me... :''(

Welcoming the Dragon Year, aka My Freedom of 18 Days.

Its pass 3am now, and the invasion of fireworks have just only stopped bombarding the dark night not long ago. I know i'm supposed to be fast asleep in bed as tomorrow will be an early start. But somehow, something feels missing, empty.

But before I start tearing my hair out of my head in frustration of this, I would first like to thank God, the Universe, or any spiritual force out there who is listening, for the wonderful, hommie, down to earth reunion dinner tonight.

There was less food this year due to some arrangement complications, LOLS, but all in all, the Yee Sang was awesome as usual [my most favourite dish of this festival], the sexy gravy drowned roast chicken, the impressively spicy sambal prawns dish etc etc and not forgetting the gorgeous Red Velvet Cheese Cake to end the feast!! : 9

Somehow, I felt that the atmosphere of the family was very warm and pleasant... Its been long since my gradually freezing heart has felt such weather. Perhaps having noisy kids playing child games and soccer jabbering adults and gossip filled maids to pump up life isn't such a bad idea at all. : )

For some families, playing firecrackers is a tradition for the kids. My brothers and cousins enjoy them too. Especially the part where they blow each other's fingers up!! #,# I kiddd. X) But its been years since I've lit a flame or tossed a cracker because of the paranoia of burning my hands and also the chance that I might lose a finger or two in the process. There is a possibility you know. :P

Anyway, I was a kid again tonight. Lighting em up and tossing them to far distances, it felt good to be myself and be accepted amongst family. There was also much fun taking photos of the process. : ]

As all burned out, we slowly moved back into the house, where surprisingly, I managed to strike up a conversation or two with my aunties, those i've never been close to. After a while of chatting and digesting, it was soon time to go home. Saying goodbye to my grandparents, I realised how fortunate that I still have them both. Grandpa who is the lottery monster and king of dimensia XD, and grandma the demure dragon lady who always appears a warrior on the outside, but has a heart of gold on the in that can be as soft as cotton candy too.

All in all, welcoming the dragon year seems to be a promising start. Although i'm mostly anxious about the future, but restless about the present, I really hope that things will work out according to the plan set for me by God. These coming days of freedom might corrode me into decomposition, but please God, make it one that is bearable for me. I'm deprived of watching Gargoyles you see!! : P

Happy Dragon New Year!! : ]

Ever Always Grateful. :'')

21st December ~*

No one has ever surprised me the way you do.

No one has ever made my heart skip a beat like this.

What you did was the funniest, most craziest, most sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

I will always remember that day...

That day you welcomed Kasber into my life.

You would never know how much that touched me.

Why do you paralyse me like this??

I'd love to hug you to death if you let me!! >,<

Now that you're away for a while, I can't help but miss you so fast already. : (

The only thing that comforts me is OUR Bambs. : ]

Her company is the one thing that keeps me going.

But baby know that, no matter how moody I may get in these coming days due to stress,

I know we will both pull through.

I will remember what you said to me today when I was buried in your embrace,

"No matter how far apart we are, just remember you are always here."

Those words comforted me so much, but still drove me to tears.

I just hope you have a good long rest back home...

And that you too will remember Eshgham, that no matter what you face there,

Be brave... I am always here supporting you morally, your very own number #1 cheerleader!!

So think of me lots love... And before we know it, we'll be seeing each other SOON. <3

最难受的新年

I've never felt this insulted or disrespected in my life before.

Who would've thought such an egoistic bitch such as myself would see today?!

Never in my life have I ever met anyone so spoilt and unreasonable before.

I guess there's just a first for everything!!

Why not begin with the new years itself right?! Ha!

Throughout my 20 years as a living person with feelings,

I have never experienced such a deep explosion of anger to ANYONE before in my life except for my own family.

All the crap from friends I have faced in the past could never amount to this extent of me getting SO PISSED.

I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Who the HELL do you think you are?!

You can throw tantrums whenever you like?!

Toss things and potentially BREAK something in my car?!

Cause SO MANY UNNECESSARY DELAYS and INCONVENIENCE,

Not only in terms of time but also petrol?!

And the worse part of it all is,

I DIDN'T EVEN FREAKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON WHEN IT HAPPENED. =,=

Didn't even have the decency to inform anyone.

Behave as if every inconvenience caused by you is one that is deserved by others?!

And the irony of it all is that, I'M THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING PERIOD!!

Sometimes my tolerance level just drops till NIL.

Its not that I can't understand or is unable to accept that yesss, in terms of language, I really don't understand most of the time and is BLUR.

But DON'T EVER take me as a fool!!

I know when I'm being taken advantage of and I know exactly WHEN I deserve an apology.

Amidst all this "drama", what I seriously came to realise is this :

I DESPISE the fact that everything has to be so PRETENTIOUS in this culture.

I despise that everything has to be TOLERATED, eventhough the behaviour THEN is UNACCEPTABLE.

I hate the fact that in this culture, no one can truly express their true feelings and emotions but instead, must accept whatever it is that happens then only to deal with it LATER.

Honestly, I am NOT from this culture and so naturally, I do not follow such practices.

In future, if EVER anything like this happens again, I swear to God, I really don't care if you're from a rich family or not,

If you or ANYONE ELSE for that matter ever crosses the line of basic etiquette, I will SERIOUSLY give you a piece of MY MIND, THERE AND THEN. Not later. >,<

If you're rich, shouldn't you know better than anyone else how you SHOULD behave?!

I have never EVER witnessed such insolence and mockery!!

Not only did not an apology suffice, but I was EXPECTED to wait in my own car for the person to get sorted!!

FYI, the world does not revolve around you!! Never has anyone made me feel so used and insulted in my life. X(

Lastly, this language barrier really suffocates me.

Its not that I'm unwilling to share with you how I feel,

Its just I'm driven out of desperation and helplessness,

Extremely fed up of constantly being in the unknown,

I sometimes really miss speaking to my "own kind".

I intentionally deprive you from understanding because you've either never experienced it,

or have forgotten what it feels like to be left out and kept in the blur.

I really hope this will help you feel how I feel, but waaay worse.

Because if you'd understand what I'm going through,

We wouldn't even be treating each other like this.

I hope 2012 would somehow defy all this crap that has happened.

I pray with all my heart that it will take a better turn.

PURE DISAPPOINTMENT.

So you finally come to the stage in life where the people who used to be important, seems otherwise.

What do you do next?

Think of all the times you were there for her?

Or of all the times she wasn't?

Seems so contradictory whatever she has said.

Constantly complaining about how unpopular she is.

Or how low self esteem she actually is.

Hrmm... Really gets me wondering if she is what she says she is.

Well, many years may pass and you think you know a person.

Turns out when you truly see, it wasn't as perfect as it seemed to begin with.

I'm no longer in the capacity to fight for anything that doesn't want to be fought for.

No longer want to be in the position to be disappointed.

No longer hopeful for someone who doesn't do what she says or promises.

In short, I guess age gets you tired...

And all you want to do is let what come, COME.

And let what wants to leave, LEAVE.

INDIVIDUALISTIC.

Back in high school, life was horribly lonely. There was such a thing as social idiosyncrasy for me. Where I came from, everything was to a certain extent - make believe. Everybody around me were actively practising the art of acting. And the unfortunate fact is that, you had to be like one of them to survive, even when deep down you're not.

I came to realise that mastering the art of having a façade was very powerful. It really taught me how to read people, how to distinguish between what was real and what was not. This became even easier when I was given a position of influence. Suddenly, everybody began to polish my then black leather school shoes. The experience was very insightful, VERY. It was like living amongst an aristocratic society where everybody sees and does things for benefits. True and ugly.

The biggest struggle I had was to find my true self again. Its one thing when you become so good at pretending that you're something; its another thing when you actually realise that in reality you are not. That period of being lost was one of the toughest chapter of my life. Less did I know that finding my bearings was going to be an even more challenging journey.

When I came to university, things seemed optimistic. Excited was an understatement of how I felt then. I was literally leaping when I talked, loud when I walked, and crazy every other time you caught me. My energy was bursting!! Friends even asked me how I muster all that energy from my petite body. Looking at it now, it surprises me too. @,@

As time passed and I reached the second year of my university life, things have changed drastically. Year by year, my personality has become more mellow. Don't get me wrong, I can still be very crazy!! The only difference is, I have become selective of when I choose to be. : P

Everyday I walk to class alone. I sit beside different people in every class. And most of the time, I have my meals alone too. The only time that calls for social interaction is when I meet new people who ask me questions, or borrows something from me. Suddenly, I realised that I have become a very sluggish socialiser.

Would this trait be called being anti-social?? I fear it could be.

But funny enough, having drowned in such a cycle daily, a relatively new friend asked me this today,

"How do you stay so cheerful and bubbly everyday??"

This question kept ringing in my head all day. Indeed, I used to be and sometimes am a very cheerful person. But how come I have chosen not to show it as openly as before?? Have I become a lone-ranger?? Or am I too proud or too selective of my social calls?? Urgghhh.... I hate myself.

Lighten up will ya!!